Happy Birthday, Friend!

Tomorrow is your 34th birthday and I decided to greet you in advance. My domestic life is taking much of my time and I might forget your special day. Now that we’re both older but wiser, I wish that we could bring back the happy times that we spent during our high school years. You were my bestfriend and I secretly envied your charmed life. While my family was financially struggling during those years, you led a comfortable life in the corners of your beautiful home, surrounded by a loving family and supported by a group of loyal friends. I was afraid to share with you my insecurities about life; afraid that you might not understand where I was coming from. We graduated in high school with a heavy heart, we continued our communication through snail mails. I was very proud of you as my bestfriend.

The unexpected thing happened when I got pregnant in the middle of college. I wanted to die then. I was in deep regret and shame for what I did and it left a permanent scar in my heart. I wanted to tell you how I was feeling, how I wanted to end my life and how guilty I was for failing my parents. But I realized that you were that girl who led a charmed life. How could someone as nearly perfect as you understand someone as imperfect as me? But the news reached you and you immediately sent me a greeting card. You were hurt and you felt betrayed. You thought I did not trust you enough. I tried to explain that I wanted to tell you my situation in person. I didn’t know if you believed that alibi. I made up by getting you as one of Chang’s godparents. Again, we were able to save the friendship.

I went back to Baguio with a heavy heart, the baby was left in my parents’ care. It was the toughest decision in my life: proceed with my studies and face the insults OR stay back home and take another course. My mother told me that she preferred the first option and I obliged. I had plans of taking Chang with me and leave her in her father’s care while I can visit her everyday. But that option was not taken seriously by her father’s side. When I decided to end that relationship three years later, I decided not to tell that to you. How can someone with high morals like you understand someone who’s not moral (at that time) like me?

I got involved with another man, got into a problem and that was the time when I decided to ask for your help. You were shocked, confused but nevertheless, treated me with kindness and understanding. I was so ashamed of myself then. I wanted to see you personally to tell the whole story but I had no guts to do so. I let that problem pass and pretended for the next five years that this relationship was worth fighting for.

We had a mini-reunion in 2004 and that was very memorable for me. There I was, sitting side by side with the bestfriend that I underestimated. I tried to bring back the warmth of our friendship but I could feel that it was too late. We had been through a lot of misunderstandings and the damage could be irreparable.

Let me just tell you that I am very sorry for the things that I did in the past. I underestimated our friendship and I was the one paying for it now.

Happy birthday!