Instant Love and Instant Good-Bye

Note: I was able to retrieve an old typewritten diary that I wrote in 1996.

Summer of 1996 at the dance hall; I was so tensed practicing our dance steps for the event later as it was my first time in two years to dance in front of  the public. Good thing, I was in the company of Jenny, Ronna and Ness; they were my shock absorber. I wouldn’t be this tensed had the audience were not foreigners! We finished the practice by lunch time and we were expected to be back by 2:00 PM. The guests were expected to arrive by 2:30 PM. I felt exhausted but I had to make it.

At exactly 2:30 PM, 25 Japanese teens and 5 Japanese adults entered the room smiling. We exchanged pleasantries; the Filipinos, in Tagalog while them, in Nippongo. You wouldn’t know by their genuine smile that they came straight from the airport. The program started with a brief speech from one of the Japanese adults. It was followed by a Japanese song performed by the Japanese teens.

The following day, we toured them around the province. A Japanese teen greeted me with a broken “Maganda umaga, binibini.” The tour went fine; the two adults Kadaka and Tosho asked me a lot of questions. Kadaka-san was fluent in English while Tosho-san had a hard time understanding me. I didn’t see myself as a fluent conversationalist but some of them thought that I was!

When we reached Bagac, we got off the tourist bus and started the ceremonial hiking. I became fast friends with Yoshie and Yuka. Yoshie was good in music; she played the piano well. We show them the Filipino-Japanese Friendship Tower.

“Friendship? Like you and me?” Yoshie said to me.

After the tour, we went back to the hall for lunch. Kadaka-san asked the group to mingle with each other. The Japanese teens were distributed and soon I was in the company of Yoshie and Kazume. They were so friendly and adorable, we could be friends forever! A tall, white and handsome Japanese teen approached me and said, “Nice dance.” He was pertaining to the event yesterday. My Filipina friends blushed upon hearing this. He was their favorite! He got a camera and took pictures of us. My heart could melt at that time!

Kadaka-san and Tosho-san teased me if I wanted to go to Japan someday. Of course, I said yes! (Now, I don’t know if they meant going there through a marriage for convenience, travel or work! LOL!)

That night, there was a mini-party at the hall. I was able to meet more friends like Keiko. The tall, white and handsome Japanese teen approached our group. I asked his name again because I couldn’t remember.

“Takayuki. But you can call me Tako,” he said smiling.

He said something in Nippongo and the group teased him. One of them translated it in English.

“He said, you’re the prettiest!”

“Yes, you are a beautiful lady, ” Tako seconded.

Another guy named Yozuka,  the rebel-without-a-cause and the Mr. Nice Guy named Takeshi seemed to agree. I was not used to hearing flattering words; I felt the gush of blood on my cheeks.

The newspaper dance with Tako was a success because at his towering height, he could lift a petite woman like me. He was gentleman enough not to take this opportunity at his advantage. At one moment, I thought I could hear his heartbeat. His hands were cold and I wondered if it was the air conditioner or his feelings that were revealing him. At one point, he asked my age.

“18,” I said, “What about you?”


The newspaper dance was tiring so we just rested after it. He asked about my hobby and I found out that we both loved swimming. Yozuka made face.

The next game was trip to Jerusalem. Conscious of each other’s feelings, I decided to be prim and proper by not choosing to sit down on Tako. After the warm-up games, we had disco until the early hours of the morning.

The next day was their last stay in the Philippines. I brought a small address book and asked them to write down their name and address. Tako wrote a heart symbol. The brief and unforgettable time with him became a treasured memory.

“Happy trip, Tako,” I said.

He held my hands and said, “Why don’t you come to Japan?”

“Maybe someday?” I said.

Takeshi smiled at me and said “Sayonara.”

Yozuka bid his farewell and said that he would never forget a girl like me.

The Japanese girls were more emotional, they were crying while saying their good-bye. I found myself crying, too in the company of Yoshie S, Yoshie, Yuoko, Keiko and Kazume. They were my instant friends and what an instant good-bye! It was the most dramatic demonstration of love and friendship that I would cherish forever.


Fast forward to 2018. As I was reading this piece of shit (joke!), I couldn’t help but notice that my young self was too vulnerable about falling in love. My young self was too naïve and too focused on the romantic side of love (no wonder, I had some heartaches before!)The good thing was, I was able to feel that electrifying moment.





Heart Don’t Change My Mind (My Version)

I said we’d try again
But tryin’s not enough
Acting like strangers ain’t no way of saving love
It’s never gonna work
It’s time to stop pretending
Time to turn the page
All stories need an ending
It makes no sense to stay
Livin’ my life in yesterday
I’m leavin’ I’m leavin’ and I’m beggin’ you

Heart don’t change my mind
Oh heart be strong this time
And try to help me tell her goodbye
It’ll only bring pain for me to stay
Oh heart it’s hard for you I know
Let me let him go

Don’t let me think about
How good it was before
I know you’ll try anything
to keep me from that thought
It’s hard to leave him when
You’ve loved him for so long
Now how can I walk away
If you’re still holdin’ on now

I finally found the strength
Look at me I can finally say it’s over, it’s over
So I’m beggin’ you

It makes no sense to stay
Sad that it has to end this way
It’s over, it’s over

From Friendship Game to Love Game

Written for a fictional character in June 6, 1996.

I used to play the game of friendship

I don’t want commitment and relationship

I considered love as something wicked

For the many hearts it deceived


Years have passed so easy

I became the source of pain for somebody

I did not consider his wounded heart

He who was true from the start


About last year, another player came

And so I thought, he could be another game

But he was quite different from the rest

His unique qualities made him the best


I pined and dreamed for his company

A no-strings attached relationship, actually

I can’t afford to lose this game

But I had no idea he was thinking of the same


Everything went on smoothly

Except that I’m falling in love with him terribly

Oh, why can’t I live without him now?

I can’t tell myself why or how


So I decided to call it quits

I don’t see myself as somebody sweet

He is melting my whole self bit by bit

It’s time for love to take a back seat

Before I could speak anything

He kissed my lips in total passion

Perhaps he sensed what I was thinking

My heart-of-stone is melting in this romantic union


Yes, I used to play the game of friendship

But ours is now an everlasting relationship

His love made my heart open and tame

We are now on the same level of playing the love game


Pissed Off

I was looking for the phone cable that I lent to my husband. He said that he doesn’t know where it is. It was a Tuesday morning and mornings mean rush hour to me. I repeated the question and told him that I hate it whenever he fails to safe keep the things that he borrow from me. Moved by this, he got up and opened his bag. The cable was inside it. I punched him in great annoyance!

He knows that I hate misplaced items. What I don’t get is he’s into the habit of fueling the building up of my emotions until I erupt. I know his weakness, too and I can be the nastiest bitch in town when emotionally provoked. But my point is, does he really need to resort to making me mad before listening to me?

Some days are not full of love.

The Birthday Surprise

October 2003.

I rendered overtime with my bestfriend. I wanted to forget that that day was my birthday. I could have went home to my family and celebrate there but I chose to stay at work and just let the day pass.

You texted me a birthday greeting. Tears fell down my face. Just a month ago, you transferred to the big city to start a new career. I was left by myself and I felt so alone.

You said that you have a package wrapped in pink. I was anticipating that it was a ring.

“If you want her, put a ring on it!” I could hear Beyonce’s words.

You texted to ask where I was. I said that I intend to go home very late.

You said that I should not be working late on my birthday.

And advised me to just have dinner with my bestfriend.

Alma and I were walking when somebody put an arm around my shoulder.

My first reaction was to fight; Alma was just as equally shocked.

Then Alma’s reaction shifted from fear to joy.

It was you, yes you, clad in pink!

You kissed me and said “Happy birthday!”

It was the best birthday surprise of my life!

Years later, you broke my heart and we parted ways.

Yet that birthday surprise is still in my memory.

Thank you for this memory, it is worth remembering.

Thank you for loving me before!